Hi there, I’m Meret.
(Uhm… this is my first shot at a blog, so excuse me for getting a little giddy. )
Before you get to know me a little better, I’d like to say thank you: Thank you, all of you lovely people out there!
Your encouragement, our connection and mutual support truly inspiring. If it wasn’t for your own unique stories, your way of standing in your truth and expressing yourself authentically, your listening without judgment and your inexplicable interest in me, no one would be reading this. Since most of you, my friends, are English-speaking, this should explain my main choice of language for this site.
Only by meeting some amazing people, studying with the big names in the field—Byron Katie, Brené Brown, Virgie Tovar—I started to slowly turn my life upside down. It began to dawn on me that my way of living small, the extent of self-imposed torture and this utter lack of kindness towards myself, could be changed. By me.
It’s a shame to say that as so many others, I needed to crash full-on before I started considering other truths, truths of worth, truths of living.
For me, my complete lack of self-worth manifested itself in a life spent on diets, obsessing over food, constant overexercising, and hating the reflection in the mirror, no matter what my weight was (read: severely underweight and also “plus size”).
Only when all the air was sucked out of me and I felt nothing but trapped—empty and wishing not to be here anymore—did things begin to change.
Funny how sometimes, we need to see pitch black nothingness before we can hit the RESET button.
And after that?
I started getting to know myself a little better. I started questioning age-old beliefs. And I started processing some of the old muck that keeps so many of us stuck.
This is the point where others usually deliver the punchline by saying that they’ve done all the work and seen the light.
That they made it through recovery and are no “there”, shouting encouragement to all of us eating-/exercise disordered people that are still struggling. Look. I can’t deliver that (yet).
I’m still fumbling around in foggy MESSVILLE a lot of the time, I’m still afraid to let go of some of the rules and restrictions, and I’m still terrified of being shamed and rejected as I was when I was a kid. Of course, I’m only human.
But I’m much more aware of what’s going on, (yes, therapy helps!) and I’m continuously educating myself on all things diet-culture, body image, personal growth and resilience.
For much too long, I was waiting to fully engage in life. Waiting for the green light to come on. Hoping that—once I had all my ducks in a row—I could eliminate failure and rejection. Then, oh boy, THEN I would fully allow myself to enjob, to love, to laugh, or—for that matter—to blog.
Yeah, riiiiight. It just doesn’t work that way.
If I wait until it’s all sunshine and rainbow, no blog of mine will ever see daylight!
So? This basically is me giving my inner perfectionist the finger.
I’ll tell you what: It’s wildly encouraging.
Lesson for today: Own your story. Live life now.
Fat, chubby, skinny… Perfect!
Also, seriously: No body hate here. I’ve got enough of that myself, thanks very much.