When you’re one ‘but’ short of winning.


Me: “Hmhmm, s’morning ‘gain?”

Gremlin: “Fuck! It’s 9.30 already, and you haven’t gotten anything done yet.”

Me: “But I’m sooo tired this morning.”

Gremlin: “Ha! From what?? You should’ve just gotten up earlier, then you’d be fresh by now. Also, your exercises for your back and core could long be done and there’d still be enough time for a serious bicycle-trip. You seem to forget just how many calories you ate yesterday evening! Now’s really not the right time to try the avoidance-number.”

Me: “But you keep saying that every day…”

Gremlin: “Goddamn it, get your lazy ass moving already. Other people have been up for hours, —and guess who has already finished their cardio session by now? Correct, it’s not you.”

Me: “But I’ve exercised every day this week!”

Gremlin: “So fucking what?? You’ve been eating like a pig, too!”

Me: “But other people don’t have to work out every day.”

Gremlin. “No they don’t, in fact. Because they eat like normal people.”

Me: “But even my doctor says that it’s actually important to rest, and that it’s totally ok to spend a day reading…”

Gremlin: “Look, dumbhead. I’ve told you before, I’m gonna tell you again: It’s you that eats as much as you do. Seriously, if I didn’t push you like this every day, you’d actually turn into a fat sloth within a week. Clearly, you need to be controlled.”

Me: “But don’t I deserve some down time too?”

Gremlin: “Down time, right? May I remind you, you are currently not working and other people would lick their fingers to have your problems! I mean, really. The trauma-therapy? —Bit of tears, so what. The back-surgery-recovery? —Bit of nerve pain, no biggie. You’re pathetic. Other people have JOBS and KIDS!

Me: “But I have worked out without a day off for several years …”

Gremlin: “… Hu-uh!! You DID take days off. In fact, after your back surgery last December you hardly moved for a few days, right there.”

Me: “ARGH! But my hormones are still completely out of whack… Which is a direct result of too much exercise.”

Gremlin: “With you, that doesn’t necessarily have to do with the exercise component. It might just as well be because of your messed-up way of eating you seem to be unable to change.”

Me: “But YOU were the one that told me I could only eat once a day if I want to eat as much as I want. It was YOU who told me that I couldn’t eat like other people if I want to be skinny. And I’ve done just as you said for more than 20 years!”

Gremlin: “You DID lose weight, did you not?”

Me: “But… Yes.”

Gremlin: “So don’t go all whiney on me now! Weight gain just really isn’t an option for you. We were there before, weren’t we? Do you want to be laughed at again? —See. So since you can’t seem to eat normal portions, it looks like you have a price to pay. Lots of exercise and—if only once a day—a gloriously big meal. What’s there to complain?”

Me: “But I’m tired of living like a prisoner!”

Gremlin: “I know you. If I give you one day off, you’ll never put on those damn sneakers again and you’ll never stop eating. It just doesn’t work with you. You’d be the disgrace of the century. And as a friendly reminder: I’ve already let you reduce the amount of exercise since that thing with your back. I mean, before the surgery, 2 hours of daily cardio were your minimum. These days, you’re not even able to do that anymore. And you’ve gained weight. Honestly, you should be glad to have me around for damage control!”

Me: “But I have friends who are really curvy and that doesn’t make them any less lovable. Sigh. They’re probably out for brunch with their boyfriends right now.”

Gremlin: “Fact is, you don’t have a boyfriend. So, go figure. Maybe you just aren’t as lovable. And that’s why you have to make up for it by staying skinny. Can’t have it all. Also, you’re 42.”

Me: “But one day, I want to feel worthy to just sit in the sun, read a book, eat what I want and not having to make up for anything by doing anything. One day, I’d like to feel worthy for just existing.”

Gremlin: “One day, sure. Now, get that workout done already.”

Me: “But… OK.”


The end.

3 Comments on Silent dialogues # 1…

  1. Nico
    2016-06-22 at 5:10 PM (6 years ago)

    You are SO worthy. Beautiful inside and out. Just look at all the lives you touch every day. Tell that gremlin to fuck off.

  2. Catie
    2016-09-01 at 9:59 PM (6 years ago)

    wow, this is almost exactly the dialouge between me and my gremlin too…and with your last post “Am I the Only One”, …well, I just want to say that if you feel this way, and I feel this way, and many of us are in this journey, I’m guessing we all have similar feelings and similar gremlins. While unfortunate that so many go through this, it also feels kind of relieving to know we’re not the odd man out – this is a shared struggle, and we have tribe members to turn to. <3 Thanks for all that you do!! Your vulnerability was I'm sure, not easy, but it spoke to me at a core level and really helped me today 🙂

  3. Meret Boxler
    2016-09-11 at 11:18 PM (6 years ago)

    Thank you SOOO much, Catie! Your feedback is wonderful!